Lindsey Graham Escorted Out of Heaven After Trying to Start Another War

Lindsey Graham's stay in Heaven came to an abrupt end after heavenly authorities discovered the longtime South Carolina senator organizing what witnesses described as an "urgent strategic response" against enemies he had not yet identified.

According to officials at the Pearly Gates, Graham had spent his first hours in eternity approaching newly arrived angels with maps, briefing folders, and a proposal calling for immediate military action somewhere.

"He kept saying we couldn't afford to wait," said St. Peter while reviewing a stack of confiscated battle plans. "When we asked who the enemy was, he said we'd figure that part out after the deployment."

Witnesses said Graham had already assembled a volunteer force of cherubim before security intervened. The operation reportedly included discussions about establishing no-fly zones, sending heavenly advisers, and authorizing precision lightning strikes against what Graham repeatedly described as "emerging threats."

"He assured us the campaign would only last a few weeks," one angel said. "Then he quietly mentioned we might need a few thousand years just to stabilize the situation."

Heaven has traditionally operated without armed conflict, a policy officials say has worked well since the beginning of eternity. Administrators became concerned after Graham proposed creating the Department of Eternal Defense, expanding the heavenly chariot fleet, and placing several clouds on permanent military readiness.

The senator has frequently advocated a more aggressive American foreign policy during his years in public office, often urging military action in response to international conflicts and arguing that American strength depends on confronting hostile regimes before they become larger threats.

Heavenly officials said they appreciated Graham's enthusiasm but concluded that paradise was an unusual place to launch another intervention.

"We explained that war, death, and suffering are no longer issues here," St. Peter said. "He replied that was exactly why everyone had become complacent."

Officials said Graham's final appeal came moments before his removal, when he reportedly warned that peace itself could become dangerous if left completely unchecked.

After escorting him beyond the Pearly Gates, Heaven issued a brief statement confirming that eternal paradise remains committed to its longstanding policy of having absolutely no wars.

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