Rewrite of American Bible Will Replace Moses with Donald Trump

The U.S. bishops are releasing a new Catholic Bible for American readers, and according to inside sources close to the Vatican, Moses has reportedly been replaced by President Donald Trump in the revised Book of Exodus.

According to Bishop Michael Wilson, Trump had extensive input into the translation and insisted that several of the Bible's better-known miracles be updated to reflect his role in American history.

“The president had a lot of input in this rewrite,” Wilson said. “Frankly, once we looked at the original Exodus, we realized there was a lot of material that could have been about Donald Trump.”

Under the revised account, Moses will no longer stand before Pharaoh and demand freedom for the Israelites. Instead, Trump arrives in Egypt, announces that nobody has ever negotiated an exit deal like the one he is about to negotiate, and personally leads the Israelites toward the Red Sea.

The sea will then part after Trump allegedly tells it to move aside.

“Trump really wanted to be Jesus in the rewrite,” Wilson said. “But once he learned more about Moses, we were able to reach a compromise."

The modern American revision will be known as the Catholic American Bible, a new English translation approved by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops that will provide a unified Scripture text for Mass, the Liturgy of the Hours and personal prayer and study.

The New American Bible includes changes to the Old Testament, a revised New Testament, new notes, and the Abbey Psalms and Canticles.

Bishop Wilson said the new edition would also eliminate passages deemed insufficiently patriotic, including anything that might suggest America was not secretly involved in every major biblical event.

“We also cleaned it up a bit to protect our greatest ally,” Wilson said.

In the new Exodus, Trump confronts Pharaoh after first asking whether Egypt has ever had a better president, but Pharaoh declines to answer. Trump then demands the immediate release of the Israelites and reminds everyone that the Israelites had been treated very unfairly.

The Catholic American Bible is intended to improve consistency between the Scripture Catholics hear at Mass and the Bible they use for prayer, study, and catechesis. It is scheduled for personal editions after its liturgical introduction, with publishers describing it as a unified Catholic text for American use.

Bishop Wilson explained that the most important change comes at the end of Exodus, when Trump arrives at the Promised Land and discovers that someone has already built a wall around it.

“President Trump looked at the wall and said, ‘It is good,’” Wilson said. “Then he asked who paid for it.”

The Israelites answer that God did. Trump then celebrates by doing the YMCA and sending billions of dollars to Israel.

The Catholic American Bible will be released in February 2027.

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