Epstein Files Headed For Clorox Treatment After Bipartisan House Approval

This week, Congress voted overwhelmingly to compel the Justice Department to release every remaining document related to the late financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, with lawmakers breathing a collective sigh of relief after learning that Clorox has quietly signed on to sponsor a specialized cleanup crew tasked with sanitizing the files before they reach the public.

The Epstein Files Transparency Act, forced to the floor through a discharge petition that gathered signatures from nearly every Democrat and a surprising number of Republicans, passed with the kind of margin usually reserved for naming post offices.

The legislation requires the full unredacted release of investigative materials, flight logs, and communications involving Epstein's vast network of powerful associates.

Justice Department officials confirmed that a team of hazmat-suited technicians, fully funded by a generous corporate partnership, will immediately begin the meticulous process of removing any potentially stubborn stains from the records.

"Clorox has been killing 99.9 percent of germs for generations, and now they're stepping up to kill whatever else might be lingering in these documents," said a senior House leadership aide familiar with the arrangement.

The aide noted that the company's expertise in removing tough evidence made it the perfect partner for ensuring the files emerge spotless.

Representative Randy Fine, a Florida Republican who pointedly declined to sign the discharge petition that made the vote possible, expressed complete confidence in the process once the sponsorship was announced.

"I didn't need to force this vote because I knew the professionals would handle it properly," Fine allegedly told his staff. "Clorox is an American icon. If they say the files are clean, they're clean."

A Clorox spokesperson praised the collaboration as a natural brand extension. "We've always believed in the power of bleach to make things disappear when you really need them to," the spokesperson said in a statement.

The company has already dispatched pallets of its signature product, along with industrial shredders rebranded as "Clorox Evidence Erasers," to federal archives.

House Speaker Mike Johnson, who had previously resisted bringing the measure to the floor, hailed the vote as a triumph of public-private partnership.

"This shows what happens when government works hand-in-glove with trusted household names," Johnson said. "The American people demanded transparency, and thanks to Clorox, they'll get exactly the kind of transparency we think they deserve."

As the cleanup crew began work late into the evening, observers noted stacks of documents being fed into machines while technicians sprayed liberally, ensuring that any mention of prominent individuals simply vanished under the powerful formula.

Lawmakers from both parties left the Capitol assured that the final release would be whiter than white.

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