America Considers Divorce from Minnesota

The United States is actively considering a formal divorce from the state of Minnesota after determining the relationship has become unsustainable due to the state's collection of radical progressive policies that diverge sharply from national norms.

Vice President JD Vance outlined the rationale in clear terms. “That state is just too weird,” Vance said. “America deserves better than Minnesota.”

Administration officials pointed to a series of state measures that have drawn federal scrutiny. Minnesota has maintained policies granting driver's licenses without regard to immigration status and has seen repeated clashes with federal immigration enforcement operations.

These tensions escalated into large-scale federal deployments, local resistance actions including mass protests, and multiple legal confrontations over the treatment of federal agents.

Compounding the issues are extensive problems in state-administered social programs. Federal authorities have suspended more than one billion dollars in Medicaid funding to Minnesota over widespread suspected fraud.

Separate investigations have uncovered significant irregularities in autism-related claims and other human services expenditures, prompting the creation of new state inspector general offices and tighter eligibility rules that still leave substantial gaps.

The state has also advanced expansive social mandates, including paid family and medical leave covering up to 20 weeks, universal free school meals, and strong protections for men's participation in girls' sports. The latter prompted a federal lawsuit from the Trump administration seeking to block the policy.

Minnesota continues pursuing a 100% carbon-free electricity standard by 2040 while regulatory barriers have slowed mining and energy infrastructure projects needed to support it.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio confirmed the seriousness of the effort. “The president is very serious about this initiative,” Rubio said. “Bibi Netanyahu’s even on board.”

Discussions have already begun on practical separation details. Preliminary talks address division of shared assets such as the upper Mississippi River watershed and the state's extensive network of lakes. Questions remain over custody arrangements for federal lands, interstate highways, and the ongoing flow of federal funds that have supported Minnesota's budget and programs.

Officials indicated that any final decision would follow standard diplomatic channels adapted for domestic application, with consultations already underway involving international observers experienced in complex separations.

Minnesota officials have not yet issued a formal response to the potential dissolution of ties, but people continue to drive by Governor Tim Walz's house to call him a "retard."

---

Do you know somebody who has been personally injured by satire and comedy? Show your support for the principles of free speech and stand with Freedom Writers by signing our petition today!

---