Coroner’s Report: Speaker Mike Johnson Killed His Own Career, No Foul Play Suspected
- Chadwick Dolgos
- 24 hours ago
- 2 min read
Medical examiners in Washington have officially ruled the death of House Speaker Mike Johnson’s political career a suicide, stating the deceased had ample opportunity to survive but repeatedly made choices that guaranteed his demise.
The career, which showed early promise after the abrupt ouster of former Speaker Kevin McCarthy, was discovered lifeless late Tuesday. Sources close to the body say the career had been sending clear distress signals for weeks.
“He had everything he needed to live,” said one congressional physician who spoke on condition of anonymity.
“A Republican majority, public demand for the Epstein documents, and a base that actually believed he might do something different this time. Instead, he chose the same path every predecessor took.”
Republican lawmakers who once viewed Johnson as a fresh conservative voice expressed quiet resignation rather than surprise.
“We kept telling the career to fight,” one member of the House Freedom Caucus said. “It just looked at us, shrugged, and swallowed the entire globalist wish list without a fight.”
Johnson himself appeared briefly before reporters on Wednesday morning and insisted his career was merely resting. “People are being dramatic,” the Speaker said.
“My career is fine. People need to stop watching Candace Owens and Nick Fuentes and focus on getting Republicans elected.”
Pathologists noted the fatal wound appeared to be self-inflicted when Johnson dismissed Congress early to avoid a vote on the Epstein files. The career reportedly bled out slowly as members realized the new Speaker operated with the same playbook as the old one.
Final toxicology reports showed lethal levels of AIPAC funding and establishment compliance in the career’s system.
The body of Mike Johnson’s political future will lie in state inside the House chamber until the next funding deadline, at which point another career will sprout and result in the same level of disappointment.
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