Nancy Pelosi Looking Forward to Spending Retirement Years in Rehab

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi revealed her post-Congress itinerary yesterday, confirming that she will enter a luxury rehabilitation facility upon the end of her final term.

The California Democrat told reporters that thirty-eight years of nonstop legislative combat left her with one lingering habit she can no longer ignore.

“I’ve been ripping subpoenas and tearing up speeches since the Reagan administration,” Pelosi said while clutching a tumbler of what aides described as “just water.”

“Turns out all that righteous fury runs on Jagr.”

The eighty-four-year-old lawmaker explained that the daily stress of defending democracy required a steady supply of top-shelf bourbon just to keep her hands from shaking during floor speeches.

She admitted the ritual began modestly with a single nightcap after late-night votes and gradually escalated to a full breakfast pour by the time the Affordable Care Act passed.

Doctors at the exclusive facility in Napa Valley have already reserved the corner suite overlooking the vineyards. Staff members say the program includes daily ice cream socials, guided meditation on insider trading regulations, and group therapy sessions.

“It’s going to be wonderful,” Pelosi beamed. “No more cameras, no more constituents, just me, a soft robe, and whatever they’re serving in those little paper cups.”

Her husband, Paul Pelosi, released a brief statement expressing full support for the decision and noting that the home bar will finally get a much-needed rest. He added that he looks forward to visiting every other weekend.

Congressional physicians confirmed that Pelosi’s liver function remains remarkably strong for someone who once claimed a single martini counted as “hydration.”

They credited years of practiced tolerance built up from fundraising dinners where donors insisted on refills.

The rehab center’s director praised the incoming patient as a trailblazer. “Most politicians wait until after the indictment,” he said.

“Speaker Pelosi is getting ahead of the curve.”

Pelosi wrapped up the press conference by raising her glass to the cameras one last time. “To retirement,” she toasted, “and to never having to pretend I’m sober on C-SPAN again.”

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