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Claiming Halloween as Favorite Holiday Gets You on Domestic Terrorist Watchlist

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Pentagon officials have declared that adults who claim Halloween as their favorite holiday are now under a domestic threat designation.


According to the Pentagon, adults who prioritize Halloween over traditional holidays like Christmas or Easter that honor our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ are likely engaging in activities that undermine national security.


“Halloween is for kids and people who worship Satan,” said Pentagon spokesperson Colonel Brad Harbinger.


“We’re not saying every horror film enthusiast is plotting against the government, but if your favorite holiday involves sacrificial rituals, we’re keeping an eye on you.”


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The decision stems from a recent Department of Defense report that flagged Halloween superfans for their “suspicious enthusiasm” for a holiday rooted in ancient pagan rituals.


In suburban Ohio, self-proclaimed Halloween aficionado Karen Mitchell was shocked to find her obsession with Satan under federal scrutiny.


Mitchell, who owns 47 animal skulls and a hearse she drives around town, insists her love for the holiday is harmless.


“I like Thrasher films, abortions, and candy corn. Do you really think I'm going to overthrow the government?” Mitchell said.


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The policy has sparked outrage among those who thought their holiday preferences weren’t a matter of national security. Some argue the Pentagon’s fixation on satanism ignores real issues, like releasing the Epstein files.


Halloween fans are now urged to dial back the holiday spirit or risk a visit from agents.


The Pentagon has deployed surveillance drones to scope out neighborhoods with excessive decorations.


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