President Trump Admits He’d Love All Children Equally If They’d Join Ivanka as Jewish Converts
- Chadwick Dolgos
- Nov 11
- 2 min read
President Donald Trump revealed in an exclusive interview that he would finally be able to love all five of his children equally, provided the four who still cling to Christianity agree to follow Ivanka’s lead and convert to Judaism immediately.
Sitting beneath a gold-framed portrait of himself wearing a tallit, Trump told The Washington Wick’s Jewish correspondent Chaim Paltiel that the only thing keeping him from complete parental fairness is the stubborn refusal of Donald Jr., Eric, Barron, and Tiffany to abandon Jesus for a religion that actually knows how to close a deal.
“Ivanka gets it,” Trump said. “She converted, married a nice Jewish boy, and gave me grandchildren who already have trust funds in the Caymans. The others? Still praying to a carpenter who never even owned a casino.”
The president explained that Judaism offers clear advantages in real estate, media, and surviving cancellation by late-night hosts.
He noted that every time Don Jr. posts another hunting photo, doors slam shut in Manhattan, whereas Ivanka gets invited to the Met Gala even when she wears a dress made of actual money.
“Look, I love them all,” Trump continued. “But equal love requires equal performance. Barron’s already taller than most NBA players, yet he won’t even try a bar mitzvah. Sad.”
When asked if he worries about damaging family relationships, Trump shrugged and said the kids still have time to choose between eternal paternal disappointment and guaranteed seats at Mar-a-Lago’s Passover seder, where the matzah is gluten-free and the bitter herbs come with a side of caviar.
Melania Trump, reached later by phone while shopping for another blue dress, confirmed she is considering conversion herself.
“It would be tremendous for the brand,” she whispered.
White House aides report that conversion packets, complete with prepaid circumcision appointments at Mount Sinai Hospital, have already been overnighted to the holdouts.
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