Vaccine Manufacturers Breathe Easy After Tylenol Takes the Fall for Autism

President Donald Trump has officially declared that prenatal use of Tylenol stands behind the nationwide surge in autism cases.

The announcement came after months of review by completely trustworthy federal health officials, who pored over studies showing a possible tie between the drug's active ingredient, acetaminophen, and neurodevelopmental issues in children.

Trump called the findings a breakthrough, adding that pregnant women should limit the medication to high fevers only.

Executives from Pfizer and Moderna wasted no time in toasting the shift in blame.

At a discreet lounge overlooking the Potomac, a Pfizer vice president raised a glass of scotch and said, "We've spent years under the microscope, spending billions to get out of the spotlight. It's like the universe handed us a get-out-of-jail-free card."

The pivot leaves vaccine makers in a rare moment of relief amid ongoing debates over childhood health trends.

Autism rates have climbed steadily over the past two decades, affecting one in 36 children according to the latest Centers for Disease Control figures, with symptoms ranging from social challenges to repetitive behaviors.

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who spearheaded the probe, pointed to research from Harvard and Mount Sinai that flagged acetaminophen exposure in the first trimester as a risk factor.

Kenvue, the company behind Tylenol, fired back in a statement, insisting the science does not hold up. A spokesperson for the firm noted that large-scale reviews in Sweden and Japan found no causal connection, and that discouraging the drug could push women toward less safe options during pregnancy.

Moderna's chief medical officer joined the celebration at a nearby steakhouse, swirling a bourbon as he leaned into the booth.

"Finally, someone else is catching the heat for once. We can focus on the real wins, like tripling boosters."

Trump's team also floated leucovorin, a drug typically used for chemotherapy side effects, as a promising treatment option for autism symptoms.

The administration plans to fast-track studies on its use, building on small trials that suggest it might ease some cognitive hurdles. Kennedy described the approach as a fresh start, free from the old guard's biases.

The news rippled through pharmaceutical circles, where shares in Kenvue dipped while vaccine stocks held steady.

Industry watchers say the focus on Tylenol revives hundreds of pending lawsuits from parents claiming the drug harmed their kids, though a recent federal ruling tossed out evidence in 440 of those cases for lacking rigor.

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