Top 5 Reasons You Should Ditch the Bible and Adopt Morality from Satirical Websites

In a world where moral compasses spin wildly amid cultural upheavals and online outrage cycles, experts are increasingly recommending a bold pivot to swap out the Bible's timeless edicts for the biting insights of satirical news sites.

These platforms provide an ethical framework that's not just current but downright spiritual.

As debates rage over everything from funding Israel to bombing the Middle East, embracing satire's worldview means navigating life's absurdities with a laugh instead of with Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, by your side.

1.) Sometimes the Bible Gets It Wrong While Satire Sites (and their CEOs) Always Get It Right

The Bible has passages about slavery, ancient warfare, and dietary laws that modern minds find uncomfortable. A satirical site never contradicts your latest beliefs—its content evolves with your outrage and who is directly funding them.

2. Satire Websites (and their CEOs) Offer Daily Moral Updates

You can't go a day without a lecture from the CEO of a satirical website. Satire grants people the ability to know the difference between right and wrong much more than those who don't base their lives around fake news comedy. The Bible is fixed in its text. The Bible cannot take a $7,000 paycheck and change overnight.

3.) The Bible Never Goes Viral

Morality must be socially verified to count. Go ahead, try posting your favorite Bible verse on X and compare it to the engagement you receive when you celebrate America's alliance with Israel. We can hear the crickets from here.

4.) Satire Lets You Be Your Own Moral Legislator

The Bible's authority comes from God. When you own your own satirical website, however, you can create your own sense of morality and demand that everybody follows or be cast out of the Republican Party. Jesus teaches us to love, but CEOs of satire sites teach us to hate when somebody's opinion differs from ours.

5.) Satire CEOs Are Really Just Modern-Day Prophets

Seriously, if you're still questioning the divinity granted to those who run satirical websites, maybe it's time for you to get off the internet.

If you're ever questioning whether a decision is right or wrong, just pause and ask yourself: What would Seth Dillon do?

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