Epstein Files to be Released After All Known Witnesses are Suicided

White House confirmed today that the long-awaited Epstein files will finally see the light of day by the end of June 2025. The timing aligns neatly with what sources describe as a convenient wrap-up of loose ends, ensuring that all known witnesses to Jeffrey Epstein’s activities are no longer in a position to elaborate on the documents.

A senior Justice Department official, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated, “We’ve been sitting on these files for years, and June just feels right. Everything’s falling into place.”

The official declined to comment on Virginia Giuffre, who was struck by a bus in a freak accident. Giuffre, a key Epstein accuser, had been vocal about her experiences, which authorities insist was a tragic coincidence.

Across the Atlantic, a British royal spokesperson offered their take: “The Crown has no stake in this mess anymore. All our ducks are in a row, so to speak.”

This comes after several notable figures tied to Epstein’s circle have met untimely ends in recent months, from a tech mogul’s yacht explosion to a financier’s fatal tumble down a concrete staircase.

The Epstein files, rumored to contain names of powerful individuals, have been a subject of speculation since the financier’s death in 2019, which was ruled a suicide despite lingering questions.

One congressional staffer, who refused to be named, shed light on the mood in Washington.

“It’s a relief, honestly,” they said. “That Giuffre bus thing was a stroke of luck—swear we didn’t plan it.”

The staffer went on to explain that the June release date gives everyone implicated just enough time to retire quietly or relocate to countries with lax extradition laws.

The files, originally sealed to protect ongoing investigations, are now deemed safe for public consumption, with no living witnesses left to corroborate or dispute their contents by the end of June.

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