Pam Bondi Pledges to Assist Santa Claus with FBI List of Naughty Extremists
- Chadwick Dolgos
- 5 minutes ago
- 2 min read
Attorney General Pam Bondi announced today that the FBI will begin compiling an official list of America’s naughtiest extremists, explaining that the bureau is simply pitching in to relieve an overworked Santa Claus ahead of the holiday rush.
The directive, sent to every FBI field office this week, instructs agents to prioritize known ANTIFA cells, open-borders nonprofits, any openly antisemitic podcaster, and anyone else the Justice Department believes belongs on the permanent coal tier.
Bondi stressed that the move has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with giving Saint Nick a lighter workload this December.
“I spoke to Santa personally,” Bondi told reporters outside her office. “He’s exhausted. The man has been keeping that list for centuries, checking it twice, flying around the world in one night. We have drones, databases, and 35,000 employees. It’s time we carried some of the weight.”
FBI Director Kash Patel confirmed the bureau has already begun cross-referencing existing case files with North Pole specifications.
Agents are reportedly adding categories such as “repeatedly blocks traffic,” “doxxes elves,” and “blames Jews for everything” to ensure complete accuracy.
“We’re professionals at this,” Patel said. "Santa gives toys to good kids. We make sure the bad ones get exactly what they deserve.”
The Justice Department memo promises the finished list will be delivered to the North Pole by express sleigh no later than December 20. Officials declined to say whether the FBI plans to install rooftop cameras or simply rely on existing license-plate readers, citing operational security.
Bondi closed the briefing by assuring the public that the program remains strictly voluntary for Santa.
“If he wants to keep doing it the old-fashioned way, that’s fine,” she said. “But with the amount of extremism out there right now, that poor man is going to need a bigger sack.”
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