DC Voters Deemed ‘Not Mature Enough’ to Participate in Elections

Washington, DC, has been stripped of its electoral privileges following a federal decree that labels its residents "not mature enough" to participate in elections.

The decision comes as the city grapples with escalating violent crime, overflowing homeless encampments, and streets littered with refuse, which officials claim reflects a collective failure of civic responsibility.

The federal government will now assume complete administrative control of the capital, citing the need to restore order to what was once a gleaming symbol of American governance.

The move follows months of protests by DC residents against proposed measures to address urban decay. Initiatives to clean streets, provide structured shelters for the homeless, and deploy additional police to curb a 39% surge in violent crime were met with organized resistance.

Demonstrators argued that such efforts infringed on their "freedom to live authentically," with some chaining themselves to garbage-strewn sidewalks in defiance.

"Residents have shown they cannot handle the basic duties of self-governance," said Federal Oversight Commissioner Margaret Hensley. "When you treat a city like a landfill and protest efforts to fix it, you forfeit the right to have a say."

The takeover will dissolve the DC Council and place all municipal decisions under a federal board appointed by Congress.

Voting rights for local and national elections are suspended indefinitely, with residents required to complete a "civic maturity course" before reinstatement is considered. The curriculum includes lessons on waste management, public safety, and the historical significance of not trashing the nation’s capital.

Local activist Tamara Jones, who led protests against street cleanups, expressed outrage at the decision.

"This is an attack on our identity as a community that embraces raw, unfiltered urban life," she said. "Clean streets and safe neighborhoods are just code for gentrification."

The federal board has already begun implementing sweeping changes. Trash collection has been militarized, with armored vehicles patrolling to enforce mandatory recycling. Homeless shelters are being converted into "rehabilitation hubs" with strict curfews, and a zero-tolerance policy for violent crime has led to a 200% increase in arrests, per early data from the Department of Justice.

"This isn’t about punishment; it’s about accountability," said board member Ronald Carver. "If you can’t stop throwing fast-food wrappers on the National Mall, you don’t get to pick senators."

Residents have responded with mixed defiance and resignation. Some have taken to spray-painting "We Are Mature" on federal buildings, while others quietly enrolled in the civic maturity courses, hoping to regain their voting rights.

One anonymous resident admitted, "Maybe we did let things get out of hand when we started using the Lincoln Memorial steps as a trap house."

The federal government has allocated $2 billion to restore DC’s infrastructure, with plans to transform the city into a "model of order and cleanliness" within five years.

Until then, residents are urged to attend mandatory community service days, where they will scrub graffiti and pick up litter under the watchful eye of federal monitors.

Failure to comply could result in relocation to a "reeducation camp" in rural Virginia, though officials insist this is a last resort.

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