John Bolton’s Mustache Evades Arrest, Manhunt Ensues

John Bolton found himself in handcuffs Thursday after a federal grand jury slapped him with 18 counts of mishandling top-secret documents under the Espionage Act.

Prosecutors laid out how Bolton, during his White House days and well into his post-office era, funneled more than a thousand pages of sensitive national defense intel straight to his wife and daughter, neither of whom held the clearances needed to peek behind the curtain of state secrets.

What should have been a straightforward surrender turned into pandemonium when agents noticed that Bolton's unkept mustache was missing from his face.

Witnesses at the courthouse described the facial hair peeling away mid-cuffing, sprouting tiny legs and scampering across the marble floor toward the exit before vanishing into a nearby storm drain.

FBI Special Agent Carla Ruiz, who was first on the scene, watched the whole spectacle unfold from two feet away.

"One second, we're reading him his rights, and the next, that thing just... detached," she said. "It looked right at me with those little curly ends twitching like it knew exactly what was coming. Then poof, it was gone."

Investigators wasted no time treating the mustache as a co-conspirator, pinning it with accessory charges for unauthorized transmission of classified follicles and evasion of justice.

The probe revealed that the hairpiece had been complicit in Bolton's leaks all along, allegedly encoding secret memos in its wiry strands during late-night White House strategy sessions.

Agents raided Bolton's Maryland home back in August, hauling out boxes of documents marked "confidential," but the mustache had already started plotting its solo act, using a hacked Iranian email chain to signal allies.

The encrypted app Bolton favored for his family dispatches, which he activated just a day into his 2018 White House gig, now stands accused of being the mustache's private communications line.

Lead prosecutor Elena Vasquez arrived shortly after the escape, her team scrambling to update the docket with a warrant for what she called "the most dangerous trim in American history."

"We've got eyewitnesses, forensic hair samples, and even security cam footage of it hitchhiking toward Chicago," she explained.

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