Chuck Norris Plans Resurrection on Sunday, According to Sources Close to Heaven

Martial arts legend and action film icon Chuck Norris is planning to rise from the dead this Sunday, according to multiple sources close to Heaven who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of eternal matters.

Norris, who passed away at age 86 following a medical emergency in Hawaii, has already begun preparations for what would mark only the second resurrection in human history. The first, of course, involved Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, whose return set the standard for such events.

Norris' planned comeback follows a lifetime of feats that routinely defied ordinary human limits, including roundhouse kicks powerful enough to alter weather patterns, the ability to win staring contests with statues, and being the only man in human history to count to infinity twice.

A senior angelic official familiar with the situation described Norris as calm and focused during final briefings.

"He's reviewing the protocol," the source said. "Chuck asked about the stone-rolling logistics and whether there would be a crowd. We told him the stone is no problem, but the crowd might be bigger than expected. He just nodded and said, 'Been there.'"

Another heavenly contact noted that Norris has requested minimal fanfare. "He doesn't want a big production," the source explained. "No trumpets unless necessary. He prefers to handle the emergence himself."

Norris' earthly career included starring in "Walker, Texas Ranger," where he portrayed a Texas lawman who solved crimes almost exclusively through martial arts demonstrations, and in a series of action films in which he single-handedly rescued hostages, defeated entire armies, and occasionally lectured villains on personal responsibility before dispatching them.

His internet-famous persona further cemented his status as an indestructible force, with facts claiming that death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

The resurrection plan comes as no surprise to those who tracked Norris' career. He spent decades building a reputation for invincibility that extended beyond the screen. Sources close to Heaven emphasized that this move aligns with his longstanding pattern of exceeding expectations.

"Chuck's arrival was brief but memorable," the source said. "Now he's ready to head back down and finish what he started."

Rest with God, Chuck Norris.

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