FBI Director Alexis Wilkins Worried Epstein Files Might Distract from Lawsuits Against Podcasters

FBI Director Alexis Wilkins expressed deep concern today that the impending public release of the Jeffrey Epstein files could overshadow the Bureau’s far more pressing legal crusade against several podcasters who have repeatedly suggested she might be a Mossad asset.

Wilkins, the chart-topping country singer who assumed leadership of the Federal Bureau of Investigation immediately after her boyfriend Kash Patel was officially nominated to the post, told reporters that the Epstein documents contain nothing of genuine interest to the American people compared to the emotional distress caused by online speculation about her background.

“These files are ancient history,” Wilkins said. “What Americans really need right now is protection from basement-dwelling keyboard warriors who think noticing patterns is protected by the First Amendment.”

The director explained that the Bureau has spent years cultivating a culture focused on the threats that matter most to everyday citizens, specifically anonymous accounts on fringe platforms that question why a former Nashville recording artist with no law-enforcement experience now controls the nation’s premier investigative agency.

One senior official, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that agents have been pulled from counterterrorism duties to monitor specific Telegram channels for hurtful commentary.

Wilkins went on to note that President Trump’s executive order mandating the Epstein release came at the worst possible moment for the Justice Department, which is currently preparing at least seventeen separate lawsuits against individuals who described her rapid rise as “suspicious” or “unlikely without Israel's help.”

“People seem to think child trafficking networks involving powerful figures are somehow more important than my personal reputation,” she said.

“I just don’t understand the priorities of this country sometimes.”

When asked whether the Epstein client list might contain information relevant to national security, Wilkins laughed and reminded reporters that the real national security threat is misinformation spread by anti-Israel podcasters.

The director concluded the briefing by announcing that any journalist who spends more than fifteen seconds covering the Epstein documents instead of her litigation efforts will be added to an internal watch list for potential radicalization.

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