New Study: People Who Vandalize Teslas to Fight Fascism are ‘Clinically Retarded’

Researchers at The Washington Wick University’s Department of Research, Studies, and Statistics released a study today revealing that individuals who vandalize Tesla vehicles in the name of fighting fascism are more likely to suffer from clinical retardation than to be ideologically driven extremists.

The study analyzed 200 incidents of Tesla vandalism across the United States, focusing on the perpetrators’ motivations and mental health histories. The findings challenge the popular narrative that these acts are primarily committed by hardcore Marxists targeting Elon Musk’s empire.

The data showed that 83% of vandals tested below average on standard intelligence assessments, with many exhibiting symptoms consistent with cognitive impairments and clinical retardation.

Researchers noted that while some spray-painted slogans like “Down with Fascism” or “Eat the Rich” on the electric cars, most couldn’t articulate a coherent political stance when questioned by authorities.

“We expected to find a bunch of radical leftists who read Karl Marx for fun,” said lead researcher Dr. Harold Kline. “Instead, we found people who struggle to tie their own shoes.”

Incidents of Tesla vandalism have spiked recently. Last month, a group in Portland smashed the windows of three Tesla Model Ys, leaving behind a note that simply read “Fashist bad.” written in crayon.

The study suggests that such acts are less about organized resistance and more about impulsive behavior linked to low IQ scores.

One interviewed vandal, 24-year-old Jared Binks, admitted to keying a Tesla Cybertruck because he thought it “looked like a tank for rich jerks.” Binks, who scored in the bottom 10th percentile on the intelligence test, later confessed he didn’t know what fascism meant but heard it was “something bad billionaires do.”

Dr. Kline pointed out that Binks’ case was typical, with many perpetrators lacking even a basic understanding of the political terms they wielded.

The study has sparked debate among Tesla owners and progressive activists alike. Some Tesla enthusiasts argue it vindicates their frustration with random acts of destruction targeting their vehicles.

“I knew these weren’t masterminds,” said Tesla owner Carla Evans, whose Model 3 was egged and keyed last week. “Now I have science to back me up.”

Activist groups have dismissed the study as biased, though none have provided evidence to counter its findings.

“This is just another attempt to silence dissent,” claimed Sasha Torres, a spokesperson for the People’s Eco-Revolution Collective. “Intelligence doesn’t determine someone’s commitment to justice.”

The researchers emphasized that their work isn’t meant to excuse vandalism but to clarify its root causes. They also noted that Tesla’s sleek designs and high price tags might simply attract attention from individuals prone to impulsive, destructive acts.

The study concludes that the average Tesla vandal is less revolutionary and more a case study in clinical retardation.

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