Congressman Randy Fine Vows to Slaughter and Devour Every Antisemite in America

Congressman Randy Fine, the firebrand Florida Republican who rode a Trump endorsement to a slim victory last November, stunned the Capitol yesterday by announcing his intention to personally slaughter and consume every antisemite residing within the United States.

Fine described the surge in antisemitic incidents as an intolerable threat to the republic and declared that the only way to eradicate the disease is to digest it.

Speaking from the House floor, the congressman explained that speeches, resolutions, and strongly worded letters have all proven ineffective against modern hate. He said the time has come for a more permanent approach.

“These people have made themselves the enemy of the Jewish people and therefore of America itself,” Fine declared. “I am volunteering to remove them from the food chain by placing them at the top of mine.”

President Donald Trump, who personally campaigned for Fine and still calls him “my Jewish warrior,” immediately endorsed the plan.

Trump promised to make Air Force One available for rapid antisemite transport and expressed full willingness to help round up participants. He noted, however, that eating antisemites presents a serious kosher dilemma for observant Jews.

Fine waved off the concern and revealed that he had already secured a special dispensation from an emergency rabbinical tribunal in Boca Raton. The panel reportedly ruled that antisemites qualify as a non-kosher species of ham-producing shellfish, making them technically permissible when served with a charcoal crust and a side of coleslaw.

House Speaker Mike Johnson has scheduled a closed-door caucus to determine whether the initiative falls under the Agriculture Committee or Armed Services.

Fine has requested immediate funding for walk-in coolers and industrial smokers to be installed beneath the Capitol dome.

"I can't eat them all in one night," Fine told reporters from the Washington Wick.

The congressman concluded by assuring colleagues that the process will remain bipartisan. He promised to start with the loudest voices on both ends of the political spectrum and work his way inward until the country is hate-free and his freezer is full.

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