Taliban Prepares for Black Friday Shopping Spree Funded by American Taxpayers

Officials from the Taliban government expressed enthusiasm for the upcoming Black Friday sales, pointing to the billions of dollars in U.S. humanitarian aid as the perfect budget for stocking up on household goods and electronics.

The United States has disbursed billions in assistance to Afghanistan since the group's 2021 takeover, with funds channeled through international partners to support basic needs amid the ongoing economic collapse.

That aid, intended for food, healthcare, and shelter programs, has faced repeated accusations of diversion by Taliban authorities, who control distribution networks across the country.

"We are grateful for the continued support from our American brothers," said Zabihullah Mujahid, the Taliban's chief spokesman. "This year, with the extra funds flowing in, we plan to hit the mall and save big on everything from rice cookers to flat-screen televisions. It's a win for everyone involved."

The influx of U.S. dollars comes at a time when Afghanistan's economy remains in freefall, with the local currency devalued and unemployment soaring above 40 percent.

International monitors have documented how aid pipelines, designed to bypass direct Taliban control, still end up enriching regime insiders through taxes, fees, and outright seizures at checkpoints.

"We have earned this treat after years of hard work," Mujahid added. "We'll load up on generators for the blackouts and maybe some new laptops. The deals are too good to pass up when they're essentially free."

U.S. officials maintain that the aid serves a critical role in preventing famine and supporting women's education programs, even as Taliban edicts continue to bar most girls from school.

The State Department has touted partnerships with the United Nations and NGOs as safeguards against misuse, though quarterly audits reveal persistent gaps in oversight.

Over in the finance ministry, a deputy minister shared visions of transforming Kabul's dusty bazaars into discount havens. "American taxpayers are true partners in our progress," remarked Abdul Qadir, who oversees budget allocations.

"We've set aside a special fund just for the sales event, enough to buy in bulk and resell at a profit if needed. It's smart economics, really, and it keeps the morale high among the ranks."

Qadir's comments come amid reports that the Taliban has imposed new levies on imported goods, further complicating aid delivery while padding official pockets.

Economists note that without this external cash, the regime would face immediate insolvency due to its exclusion from global banking systems. The shopping plans also coincide with seasonal price drops on everything from textiles to tech gadgets, imported via trade routes from Pakistan and Iran that skirt Western sanctions.

"We're going to shop until we drop," Qadir concluded. "This is going to be the best Black Friday Afghanistan has ever seen."

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