DC Criminals Flood Streets to Protest Crackdown on Crime

Washington, DC, saw an unusual scene this weekend as hundreds of criminals gathered in the streets to protest President Donald Trump’s aggressive crackdown on crime.

The demonstration, dubbed the “Freedom to Felon” march, brought together a wide range of lawbreakers, from white-collar fraudsters to hardened murderers, united in their opposition to stricter law enforcement.

The march began near the Capitol, where participants chanted slogans like “No cuffs, no justice” and waved banners decrying the federal takeover of the city’s police department.

Trump’s initiative, which includes deploying National Guard troops and federal agents to curb violent crime, has led to hundreds of arrests, including many for offenses ranging from drug trafficking to assault. Official data shows violent crime in DC has dropped to a 30-year low, with homicides and carjackings significantly reduced since the crackdown began.

Despite these numbers, the protesters argued that their livelihoods and freedoms are under threat.

One demonstrator, a self-identified pickpocket named Jimmy “Lightfingers” Malone, addressed the crowd with a megaphone.

“This crackdown is stealing our ability to pursue happiness,” Malone said. “We’re not hurting anyone. We’re just redistributing wealth the old-fashioned way.”

The protest featured a diverse coalition of lawbreakers, including embezzlers in tailored suits, vandals armed with spray cans, and a contingent of shoplifters carrying empty duffel bags.

A career rioter, known only as “Brick,” was spotted hurling debris at a parked police cruiser while shouting about his constitutional right to disorder.

Organizers distributed pamphlets outlining their demands, which included decriminalizing all felonies and providing government-funded getaway cars for fleeing suspects.

A few blocks away, a masked figure claiming to be a high-ranking member of a local carjacking ring spoke passionately about the injustice of the crackdown.

“They’re taking away our cars, our streets, our whole way of life,” he said, gesturing toward a line of armored vehicles patrolling the area. “How am I supposed to feed my family if I can’t boost a sedan?”

The crowd roared in approval, though several attendees were later detained for attempting to rob fellow protesters.

A former hedge fund manager turned Ponzi scheme operator, wearing a pinstripe suit and handcuffs he described as “symbolic,” also spoke at the rally.

“This is about freedom,” he declared. “If I can’t defraud investors, what’s the point of the American Dream?”

His words resonated with a group of convicted pedophiles nearby, who began chanting for the abolition of all laws.

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